photo credit: j / f / photos
Yesterday’s meditation notes:
Following breath, forgetting and remembering. Thoughts of jobs I have to do. Anxiety. Back to breath. Relax belly. Drop shoulders. Sink weight. Let go. Follow breath.
Thoughts seem to arise out of nowhere. There is no thread or continuation. I do not seem to be choosing them. They do not seem to arise from any particular place. Instead they materialise out of nothing and are gone when I remember to watch the breath. They are confused almost.
Is this how I think most of the time? If so, it’s perhaps not the most effective way to make a decision. I am only aware that my thoughts are like this because I am watching them. I assumed my thinking was much more purposeful and directed. It seems it is muddled and sometimes like being prodded with reminders and reprimands. There is a sense of urgency that serves little purpose other than to confuse even more. I keep coming back to the breath. I keep letting go of tightness in the belly and around the shoulders. I don’t notice myself tightening up, only the conscious releasing.
When the heat comes in it arises from inside around the chest area and seems to spread out slowly to belly, arms legs, face and skin. Uncomfortable at first and I am aware of my resistance to it and a wave of slight nausea that passes over me. It turns into a feeling of pleasant warmth and I am back in touch with myself and feeling more centred. I am aware of wanting to cling onto this feeling and as I cling, thoughts come in again and I forget and then notice the tension is back again. So let go and follow the breath once more.
It’s a bit like sailing a boat. In order to keep going forward smoothly at optimum speed and in the right direction you have to remember to keep your attention on where the wind is. When you forget, the sound of the sails flapping soon reminds you that you have forgotten. I keep remembering and then forgetting. Tension in the body helps me notice that I’ve forgotten.
There’s an interesting post on the blog, ‘Things I Wish I’d Known Earlier’, by Graham Dawson, on this theme, called ‘Do We Really Think?’
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